A Walk to Remember....

Those of us that have lost our sweetpeas to pregnancy and/or infant loss know that there are songs, movies, quotes, books etc that will never be the same for us once we have experienced our loss or losses. Maybe it was the song that was playing while you were waiting in the waiting room at your OBGYN or in the ER, a movie playing in the background while you sink to your knees on the floor, a book you were reading to prepare for your little one to join you in this world, or a quote you had shared or saw.

For me the movie A Walk to Remember with Mandy Moore and Shane West will never be the same. February 29th 2020, leap day, gave that movie a whole new meaning to me. I was having a lot of pain and cramping near the 29th but had no idea that we were expecting again. I was worried for kidney stones something else so I went to the ER. We then found out we were expecting again. They spoke with my OB and he wanted them to admit me over night so they could make sure I was not having an ectopic pregnancy. I had never been admitted to stay overnight in a hospital before and I was scared shitless. They were monitoring my HCG levels to see if they were going down, if they did not go down by morning then I was going to be scheduled for emergency surgery. My husband did stay overnight with me so I was extremely thankful but having to be woke up every couple hours for medication, IVs and everything else that comes with being hospitalized I did not sleep at all. Lucky there are TVs with cable in every room so I stayed up watching movies all night. At one point I was feeling really scared and alone and one of my favorite movies A Walk to Remember came on. If you have seen it you know that it will make you bawl your eyes out as is but being as emotional as I was it was 100x worse. I still haven't been able to watch it. We are approaching the 1 year anniversary since this miscarriage which was our 6th and most recent miscarriage. Even though it will make me upset I think I will watch this movie on the anniversary every year...but...it was Leap Day so I will have to do it Feb 28th or March 1st.

My point is....we all have ways to connect to our babies and things that will instantly remind us of them. Please don't feel guilty, ashamed, or embarrassed to let those emotions out when you have a trigger. One of the biggest things I have learned through my journey is to let it out!!! DO NOT keep it in. Laugh, scream, cry, throw things, break down, go crazy....do whatever you have to do to let your mind, body, and soul heal the way it needs to. No one else needs to understand why something may trigger you, don't let anyone interfere with healing yourself properly.

Here are some quotes from A Walk to Remember that could help no matter what type of loss you are going through:

"There are moments when I wish I could roll back the clock and take all of the sadness away, but I have a feeling that if I did, the joy would be gone as well."-Nicholas Sparks

"I don't think we are meant to understand it all of the time. I think that sometimes we just have to have Faith." -Nicholas Sparks