End of the year blues.....

Hey everyone! It has been sometime since I have post a new blog. I have just been working and just trying to just maintain normal day to day life. I took some time away from Facebook and stopped posting on my Facebook group page due to lack of participation but have been using Instagram and the support is beyond amazing! I have over 500 followers and the page just launched in September. I think Facebook is just too family friendly and everyone wants to be fake and pretend to not see my posts etc. I think on Instagram the community around Pregnancy and Infant Loss is much more welcoming. I still love sharing with everyone and it truly helps with my grieving process.

This time of year is so hard when you have lost a child/pregnancy, especially when you have a loss anniversary close to the holidays. We have actually lost 2 babies in December and 1 in November so this time of the year is always so hard for me. It is hard to be in a good Holiday spirit when all you see is people celebrating with their families and when you become an adult and it is Christmas time it becomes about the kids but if you don't have any you are kind of left out. I tried to do things with my nieces and my friend and her children this year to make up for me not being able to do it with my own. It does help but it is still not the same. I try to stay positive and happy but it can be tough. I am currently super sick and sprained my ankle last week and also it is that time of the month so my body is just a mess right now and my emotions are all over the place. I am trying to get more into the Holiday spirit but the longing for a child of my own to celebrate this time of year is just a lot.

I am thankful we have only had 1 loss this year but it made it 7...7 was my favorite number. It kind of sucks that it that is now associated with my amount of losses. We have actually stopped trying to focus on our own health and life in general. We have actually decided to no longer try at all. It is so hard to even write those words but I am almost 35 my husband will be 39 in January and this world is just such a scary and unwelcoming place. We feel it would be almost selfish to bring another life into this world. It made the decision a little easier but that fact that I will more than likely never be a parent to my own child is def a hard pill to swallow. We are using protection to make sure it does not happen and making sure to not be sexually active around my ovulation dates. I also think my body and immune system just could not handle it anymore. I know Covid is real and we are all more suspectable to get sick but I have been sick so much in the last couple of years. I think it is to my multiple pregnancies and my body trying to bounce back on top of PCOS and being obese. I really want and need to work on my PCOS and truly stop the gluten and dairy and make sure to be including more HITT workouts in my work out routine...which at the moment has stopped. I truly want 2022 be about my health and just making my body the healthiest it can be. Who knows maybe we can try again in a year or two if we feel this world is safe enough to bring another life into it. I would not be apposed to fostering/adopting but the process is ridiculous and you have to basically have a perfect life and credit score not to mention A LOT of money. I know kids are expensive so no matter if we had our own biological child or adopted it involves money but having a child of your own you do not need $100,000's to make it happen.

Well I just need to vent and give a update. As always if you are reading this and follow me on my social media thank you so much for your continued support! You all truly have no idea how much it means to me!! I hope you all have a great Holiday and New Year! I hope some miracles happen for those of us hoping 2022 will finally bring us our baby or rainbow baby!!!

-Melanie