Why does it have to feel like a competition?

Lately things have really been getting to me when it comes to how others that have experienced child/infant/pregnancy loss treat each other. On one hand I have learned by opening up and sharing my story that there are so many people that understand how I feel and truly care and show that no matter what stage it was at that your child matter. Then there is the ones I have encountered lately....the ones who make it a competition. Just because someone wasn't as far along as you or they did not know the gender of their child does not make losing them any easier. We all go through the stages of loss and grieving. I try to be there for others without stepping on their toes or pushing them to share before they are ready, but if you are going to talk to me about stuff I am going to be honest and share stuff I have experienced and went through as well to show you that I understand. I do not do it to make my situation more important or to be like well me too me too. I do it to show I completely understand everything you are going through. I have had a couple different encounters in the past couple of months/years that have made me feel like my babies didn't matter because they were not as far along as others. No matter if you were 6 weeks, 12 weeks, 30 weeks, full term, after birth, etc the baby was real and it matter to the mother and father. The pain of losing a child is not easy no matter what stage you were in. Yes it may be different or more of an attachment for those who actually got to know their baby or pick a name or even see them on a ultrasound. But those of us that did not get to see or do those things it is just as hard or even harder because we already beat ourselves up for being sad and grieving a baby that we did not know. I hate the guilt that comes with pregnancy loss. I beat myself up all of the time for getting down and depressed for losing all of my babies before 9 weeks. Others whether they meant to or not have made me feel like they shouldn't be as important as someone who has lost a physically living child. I get you become more attached as time goes on but also for someone who has dreamed of being a mother their whole life and going through endless problems with being a child to full term is absolutely heartbreaking. I am not trying to call anyone out or make anyone feel bad about themselves, I just want to make you aware that you not saying anything says 1 million things. All that I ask is you give the same kindness to those of us who lost a child no matter what stage it was in that we gave to you. I would never make someone feel like my losses were more important than yours. I have lost family members because of this and it absolutely kills me.

It was so hard for me to even share my story and start my page because I knew others would be judging me. There are some who feel like it should stay a private matter and not be talked about and to each their own but that is what I am trying to break by having this website and support group. It is 100% OK to share your story when you are ready or 100% Ok to want to keep it to yourself. Either way we should not feel judged for doing either option. Sharing my story and helping others has made me heal in ways I never expected. We need to support each other and hold each other up not make each other feel less than. It hurts to see others getting love, sympathy, gifts, etc when they are experiencing loss but for people like me who have had multiple miscarriages it is almost like people turn a blind eye and choose to not even acknowledge my sadness and grief. No matter how many times I have and will go through it, it kills me every time. The hope of maybe this will be the time we get our rainbow baby to just get crushed over and over is very hard to go through.

If you feel like this blog may be about you its not about one person in particular but maybe think about how it feels to be me. Our stories may differ and not be the same but the pain, guilt, grief, sadness is just as real. I will always be here for anyone who has lost a child to pregnancy loss/stillbirth/complications after birth/older children/adult children in any way. I may not understand completely how it feels for you personally but I understand the pain that comes with losing a child. I will hold you, listen to you, sympathize, and just let you know I am there and you are not alone in this. Let's not make this a competition but lets make it a community where we can all turn to each other in our time of need. I really do not want shame anyone and I know all the emotions that comes with it so I understand anger too but I did nothing to warrant anger from anyone. I just try to share my story to help you know you aren't alone and that I understand.

Remember, " No one can judge one another's pain or rock bottom just because yours seems worse, that may be their worst pain they have experienced. "