Leap Year 2020....

Well today is here....365 days since losing my last pregnancy and baby. I honestly had no idea we were expecting again and it truly upsets me I didn't know. Because if I did maybe just maybe we would have a couple month old infant by now. My doctor and I set up a plan for when we did conceive again but we needed to know we were expecting as soon as possible for it to work. I never had a missed period or the normal pregnancy symptoms. I was really sick with a virus, which looking back was more than likely Covid before it was known. I was having extremely bad cramps and felt like my ovary was going to explode. I honestly thought possible kidney infection but once we went to the ER I was told I was pregnant. Of course I had to go through all of the test again...ultrasound which meant another fun catheter, feeling super uncomfortable and knowing they are thinking damn this girl is too fat to tell anything...I have read my ultrasound reports before and they plain as day state: Patient too morbidly obese to get an accurate reading. Just another thing to make me love myself, lol.

Anyways the ER consulted with my OBGYN and he wanted them to admit me and spend the night because he was afraid I may be having a ectopic pregnancy. They wanted to watch and see overnight if my HCG levels went up or down. If they went up I was going to be rushed into emergency surgery and if they went down then they were ruling it a miscarriage and would send me home. I had never stayed overnight in the hospital before so I was nervous but lucky this was right before Covid became a huge issue and my husband was able to stay with me overnight. I did not sleep almost the whole night as my IV was put in a super awkward spot and they came and gave me medication every couple of hours. It was all a huge haze. I remember earlier on in the morning I was watching tv and "A Walk to Remember" by Nicholas Sparks came on, one of my favorite movies. I knew right then and there I lost my baby. I just knew it. Less than a hour later they came in and told me my levels went down and they were diagnosing me with another miscarriage, my 6th on. There on February 29th 2020, leap year. A date that won't come back but every 4 years. It seemed fitting that it would fall on that date, like it never existed. But it did and here I am 364 days later knowing the pain of that day all to well.

My mom always makes me feel important when we lose a baby, she got me stuffed animal and card, which is the cover of this blog post. I still have the card and stuffed animal sitting in the exact same spot from almost a year ago. It gives me hope and reminds me to keep on going every day with this group. My dad and brother really do not know how to talk to me about my miscarriages. My brother has never said one word and my dad just tends to get upset and say things like "Don't get pregnant again or I will kill your husband for getting you pregnant again"....I know he just is worried about it killing me or making me sick. He loves my husband and he knows how long we have been trying to have a child of our own, I told him it's me who wants to keep trying. My husband worries about me just like my dad. Of course he would love to have a child of our own but he also worries about the toll it takes of my health.

So here we are almost 365 days without a pregnancy. I am relieved that we have not lost another baby but also worried that we may never become pregnant again. And even then I worry if we do I will not catch it in time and we will lose another baby. 7 is my favorite number and I honestly think it would kill me to lose another baby and it be number 7. I would have lost all faith in my luck. I do not want to give up hope but honestly I feel like our chances have come and gone. I will be turning 34 next month and this world is a crazy scary messed up place. Things have been getting better with my mental health and I finally found my calling when it comes to my job/career. I am feeling a lot more happier than I have in a long time. My yearning is just as strong though. It kills me that 15 year old's can have babies or people who have 5-6 kids they already don't take care of continue to have more kids. It makes me feel like what have I done that is so wrong that if there is a God why I am not worthy to have a living child, my rainbow baby.

I am going to just try to stay positive, hold out hope, and grow this group to help me cope with my pain and grief. I am absolutely blown away with the support I have with this group and knowing it is helping at least one person makes it all so very very worth while. I am so glad I chose to share my story and help break the stigma around pregnancy and infant loss. Thank you to everyone who took the time to read this, I know it is not that structured but that's me....random and all over the place. I also just write what comes to my mind in these blogs. I use them as an outlet to get my feelings out. It truly helps me heal. I challenge each of you to write down exactly how you are feeling about your personally situation. Whether you choose to share it or not it really helps. As always I here in any way you need, please do not hesitate to reach out to me.

-With Love,

Melanie Clark