How many kids do you have?

How do you answer that question: " How many kids do you have? " It is a hard question to answer and there is no right or wrong answer. I myself change what I say depending on the audience. That is one of the hardest questions to answer for someone who has gone through a pregnancy or infant loss. It is one of the reasons I want to break the stigma around pregnancy and infant loss. It shouldn't be weird or make things awkward by speaking your truth. It can start a whole new conversation or end a conversation dead in it's tracks. This is why I want to explain why I sometimes withhold the truth.

You may be asking if I am such an advocate of breaking the stigma around Pregnancy and Infant Loss why would I choose to lie about my story? I don't lie I just edit what I say based on the answer. Most of them time with women I will be completely honest. I will tell them, "I have lost 6 babies in the last 3 year" or start out with, "We have been trying for 3 years." I still try to read the person before I tell the truth. I do it for their comfort over mine. Some people literally have no experience with pregnancy/infant loss so they don't know to react or you may be surprised when you tell your story they come out and tell you a little about theirs. I have had people cry before, I have had people hug me, and of course the old go to, "I will pray for you."

Now here is where I may not reveal my story. Elderly generations, young children, or men in general. I think this comes from my own experience with the men in my life. My own father has only said something to me once, and even though he was trying to show concern it was awkward and only made me feel worse. My brother, brother in law, and father in law have never said anything. It is a weird subject for men which is why I am hoping more men will feel comfortable to join my group and attend meetings. It is not something to be ashamed of. I know they care but they can't even bring themselves to say anything. The elderly generation were just taught to keep their personal lives personal! I respect my elders so I try to just give them a generic answer. And children, they are too young to understand or feel the heartbreak. I have been waiting for my nieces to ask why we don't have any kids but they haven't. I don't know what my exact answer will be but I don't want to lie to them but also do not want to expose them to something so tragic at a young age. When the day comes I will just play it by ear.

In the end it is your story to tell and you can tell it however you want. There is no right or wrong answer. It is sad that we have to feel ashamed but it's the truth. But what it really comes down to is how people have responded to you the past when you told your truth. I hate the, "Oh just be patient it will happen" or "God will give you children when your ready" or " Well you will make a great mom someday"... these statements make it hard to want to share our truth. This is why I share share share my story on my page and my own personal Facebook because they only why to fight the stigma is to be honest and transparent. So from now on, no matter who is asking, I will speak my truth! I will no longer put others feelings or comfort before mine, my babies mattered and they were real! You may not be ready yet and that's ok but maybe give it a try you may be surprised how someone reacts.