The Story of my 6 Angel Babies *Trigger Warning, Graphic Description*

My name is Melanie Clark, I am 33 years old and married to the love of my life Kyle. We have been together for over 9 years and married for 6 years. We have known each other since I was 15 years old. My whole life my biggest goals in life were to be a wife and mom. Once we were married in 2014 we immediately started trying to conceive. We had no positive pregnancies' from July 2014-until February 2017.

In mid February 2017 I just didn't feel right and I missed work for a week straight thinking I was dying from the flu. Then one day I just thought what if I am pregnant? My periods were always all over the place and never on the same date so I wasn't sure if I had missed a period or not. On February 12th 2017 I took a pregnancy test. I didn't let myself get excited because I had never seen those two positive lines...well they were there. I was in complete shock, I cried, I laughed, I got nervous and I just felt out of this world. My husband was not at home when I took the test and I was trying to wait until Valentine's Day to share our big news with him but as soon as he got home I just handed him the pregnancy test. He was just as shocked as I was but extremely happy. We both knew that we shouldn't get too excited as this was our first positive pregnancy test after years of trying but I'm not going to lie it was hard to not get excited. I made an appointment with a OBGYN the next day to get in as soon as possible and they told me I should be about 6 or 7 weeks according to my calculations. They scheduled me for about 2 weeks out. I didn't want to tell anyone until we went to our first doctors appointment. I know it was early on and it could of all been in my head but I had cravings (mashed potatoes and Cherry Glacier Gatorade), I had morning sickness, my breasts were tender, and it was already uncomfortable laying on my belly. I continued on with daily life and was just trying to stay happy and positive until my 1st appointment. On February 17th I was working as a Personal Banker for a local bank and it was Friday mid-afternoon and I just could not wait for the weekend. I started to feel really crampy and unwell after lunch but was filling in at another branch so knew I had to tough it out and just make it until the end of the day. I went to the bathroom and noticed a decent amount of blood in my underwear and put on a pad. Of course I was becoming nervous that something was wrong but also read this could happen early on in pregnancy and be just fine. I told myself if it gets worse you will go to the ER after work to make sure everything is ok. As the afternoon went on the cramping and bleeding got worse. I was having hot flashes and becoming super dizzy. I kept taking bathroom breaks but did not tell anyone what was going on, as no one knew I was pregnant yet. I felt something large come out and I ran to the bathroom...there in my pad was my baby. I was in total shock. I had never expected something like that to happen. It was in the sac still and was maybe the size of a quarter but it was the shape of a fetus and could tell it was a baby. I didn't know what to do. I changed my pad and got rid of everything. Looking back I wish I would of kept it or took pictures or something. I feel like I just threw my baby away. I went back to work like nothing was going on feeling worse and worse. I made it until the end of the day and called my husband and told him we had to go to the ER.

We immediately went to our local ER when I got home. They rushed me back incase I started to bleed out. They started to run test such as urine and blood test. It came back almost instantly that I was pregnant. It was crazy to hear the actual words you are pregnant from a medical professional. But I knew I wasn't anymore. They gave me an ultrasound and said my cervix was indeed closed but they could not find anything. They sent me home with lab work to get my HCG tested the next couple days to make sure my miscarriage was cleaning me out naturally without having a DnC. I kept my doctors appointment and did not bother calling to let them know I had miscarried. I had no idea that I was supposed to call and let them know I had miscarried. When the nurse took me back I told her I had lost my baby, she instantly turned rude and said "Well you should really of let us know, know your appointment will mess up our whole day." Not Oh I'm sorry or anything. I was in shock. She did my workup for the doctor and then the doctor came in. He basically told me I was too fat and I need to just lose weight and then try again. Once again no sympathy, no pap smear nothing! As I was checking out the receptionist noticed I did not have the Congratulations Baby bag they give the new moms, and she asked "Oh they forgot to give you your bag." I replied, "I had a miscarriage" She just stared at me and then asked if I wanted to make my next appointment. I left that day and NEVER went back to that practice.

I never did a follow up appointment because I felt so uncomfortable from my previous appointment. I found it weird that no one reached out to make sure I had passed everything naturally or even to set up a pap exam. Nothing. Well as time went on I felt fine and figured my body would let me know if something was not right. My husband and I did not use any kind of contraceptives as we did not want to take any chances of not conceiving again. It was hard to go through my first loss but also held hope that I could actually get pregnant. Well months and months went by with no positive pregnancy. Until December 2017.

December 2017 I was feeling all of the pregnancy signs again as well as my cravings of mashed potatoes and Gatorade. I was scared that I could be pregnant again as well as sad. I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I told myself to not get excited and I debated even telling my husband but that would be wrong to not include him. Things seemed to be going well and I once again made an appointment to meet with a new OBGYN. Then...on December 14th 2017, which also happens to be one of my best friends birthday so I will never forget the date, I woke up with sharp shooting pains and cramping. Instead of waiting for the blood to start I immediately had my husband take me to the ER. Once again they rushed me back when I stated I may be having a miscarriage, they worry about the patient bleeding out in these situations. I once again was given a blood test and urine test. Both came back with a positive pregnancy. Once again they took me for an ultrasound. Once again cervix closed but there was a sac this time, but it was empty. So they sent me home with a diagnosis of a missed miscarriage and told me the bleeding would come. It started happening the next day, this time I never saw my fetus just lots of clumping and tissue. I cancelled my upcoming appointment and figured I did it alone at home before and the doctors were no help so no reason to be seen. That Christmas was the hardest Christmas I have been through. My younger brother had a 2 year old and 1 year old at the time and I would be lying to say I was not jealous seeing his face as his precious baby girls opened their gifts and were excited for the whole holiday atmosphere. The holidays just aren't the same when you are longing for the one thing someone cannot gift you.

Fast-forward to July of 2018, I was going through a bad depression and was miserable with my current employer. I had been feeling sick a lot and of course in the back of my mind I thought there is always a chance, but at that point I was not ready to know. Well I woke up one day bleeding with serve cramping and pains. I did not take myself to the ER that time as I had been through it twice before. I just kept an eye on things and knew if it got really bad to go to the hospital. Most people don't know you will register pregnant even while having a miscarriage until your HCG levels go down. So I did take a test and it did confirm in fact I was pregnant. That miscarriage pushed me to totally lose my mind. I resigned from my job and became even more of a recluse. People don't realize the toll a miscarriage can take on a person. At that point this was my 3rd one. I felt so guilty and that I was a failure. I honestly didn't want to live anymore. I never sought out professional help but as I look back I should have. I just took some time to work on myself. I started to workout and was really pushing myself to just stay positive and only do things that made me happy. I took time off from July until about October when I started a new job. I was finally feeling good again and was really motivated to keep up on my health and weight loss. Until....November 2018.

Here we go again. November 2018 I was feeling all of the signs of pregnancy again and took a test positive right away. I didn't even have time to make an appointment the very next day on November 23rd I woke up to the sharp shooting pains and cramping. I was in so much pain I was in a fetal position on the floor. My husband begged me to go to the ER and I finally caved and went. Once again blood work, urine test, ultrasound (which I should mention they have to attach a catheter every time which if you never had one is super uncomfortable and painful, not to mention you usually have like 2 nurses just all up in your business while you are bleeding everywhere), once again...positive pregnancy but no sac or baby. Sent home again with instructions to follow up with my doctor. No pap smear nothing...I was really getting sick and tired of the doctors acting like everything was perfectly fine and no compassion. Also you don't get any extra time off of work, you have to go while you are bleeding, cramping, miserable, sad and just uncomfortable overall and act like everything is fine. People don't realize no matter how far along you are when you have a miscarriage your body goes into labor. I have felt contractions every time with my miscarriages and they do nothing for you. No medicine nothing. Also it takes a female body at least 6 months to get your hormones and body back to normal after pregnancy. At this point I have had 4 miscarriages' in 2 years so my body was constantly trying to recover. My husband really wanted to stop trying simply for my health. He was worried about how it was effecting me physically, mentally, and emotionally. I finally agreed and we starting using protection until I could get some kind of answers.

Fast forward again to the end November 2019. I was working for a different company (my prior one went out of business) as an office assistant and I was feeling pretty happy and content. I started feeling super sick and missed a couple of days and my boss said are you pregnant? I thought yeah right we have been using protection. A couple more days went by and I just felt something was off so I bought a test. Once again a positive pregnancy test. I was in shock as we were trying not to get pregnant and here I was pregnant. I thought maybe this was our rainbow baby finally. I let my hopes get up since it was had been so long since I had been pregnant. I did research and tried to find an OBGYN that specialized in multiple miscarriage and infertility issues. I found a doctor that had amazing reviews and stories and made my appointment for as soon as possible. Once again they want you to be about 8 weeks and they calculated I was probably about 6 weeks so another 2 week wait. The wait is so scary, everyday wondering if today is the day I will miscarry again. A week went by and we were into December I was thinking maybe this will be my Christmas present and we will finally be able to announce our rainbow baby to our families. Well December 6th I was at work and I felt sick on and off all day but was trying to stay positive but I started to spot and in my mind I knew it was over. I didn't tell anyone that day and went home as normal as if nothing was happening. During the night I was awoke in horrible pain. Once again back to the ER and went through the same routine...blood work, urine test, catheter and ultrasound...just to be told again was pregnant but having a miscarriage.

This time I called my new doctors office and let them know. Immediately they were more kind than the last doctors office. The doctor personally got on the phone and spoke with me even though we had never met. He was so nice from the beginning as well as his staff. They got me in within a few days. When I to the office his staff was so kind and nice telling me sorry and just being sure to be extra kind to me. I really appreciated it. Well meeting Dr. F was a blessing. I told him my story and how most doctors just tell me to lose weight, I am a plus size female but lots of women bigger than me have had great pregnancies, he said that is BS and not the reason I cannot stay pregnant. I mentioned that my whole life I've had horrible periods and pain and always assumed I have PCOS or endometriosis, he said I can tell by looking at you that I am almost 100% positive you have PCOS. Women with PCOS have a hard time losing weight, facial hair, dark spots on neck and armpits, irregular periods, heavy bleeding, hair loss, acne, horrible sleep patterns, headaches...I could go on but I have had all of these most of my life and no one ever bothered to look into PCOS. He ordered every blood test imaginable to rule out anything else. He told me he would get me my rainbow baby. I had bloodwork done, 15 vials at one time and then waited to hear back from his office. The tests came back and he had me come in to discuss in person. He sat with me and let me look at his computer the whole time, I really really like this doctor. He cares and doesn't make you feel like you are a burden or just a paycheck. He said nothing major came up and that I was pretty healthy. I was positive for PCOS and also my body does not produce progesterone on its own. The fact that I do not produce progesterone on my own was the main reason I lose my babies between 6-9 weeks, up until 12 weeks your body is the main supplier for progesterone and at 12 weeks the placenta and fetus take over naturally to produce it. So my babies were lost because I did not have progesterone to help keep them alive. FINALLY some answers!! I cried with joy to finally know it wasn't because I'm fat just something my body needs help with. He told me he was going to put me on Metformin to help with the PCOS and to go ahead and keep trying. We made plan that when I was to conceive again I was to call him personally and get an immediate script for progesterone in suppository form that I would insert into my vagina nightly to help keep my progesterone level up. I felt so relived and happy that I knew what I had to do to help stay pregnant.

It had been a couple months since my appointment and my husband and I were not using protection. I stocked up on pregnancy test and was ready for when it would happen again. February 27th 2020 I was working and started having sharp pains in my stomach and back. I never thought pregnancy my mind thought my appendix was exploding. I made it through the work day but still wasn't feeling right. The pain got worse and worse as the night went on and finally I woke my husband up and said we have to go to the ER now! I was rushed back thinking it was my appendix, started running tests and then they came in. Well you are pregnant and we think you are having an ectopic pregnancy. I had no idea I was pregnant we had been taking tests and recording everything so I had no idea how I missed this. Then once again gave me an ultrasound and did not see anything but this time they could not see my left ovary at all. They were concerned that it was highly likely that I was having a ectopic pregnancy and decided to admit me for overnight observation and to check my HCG levels. I was told if by morning they had went up and not down I would be rushed into emergency surgery. I was so scared as I had never had surgery besides my wisdom teeth and it would lower my chances of ever getting pregnant again. My Doctor is part of a different hospital so they would not allow him to come there but he was the one running the show through the doctors there. It made me feel more comfortable knowing he was the one calling the shots. They kept me doped up with Morphine and every pain medicine they could give me for the next 24 hours. I was miserable and nervous. Come morning they tested my HCG levels and thank God they went down and not up. So they released me and told me to follow up with Dr. F. Dr. F personally called me from his home to check on me and let me know how bad he felt that we didn't catch this pregnancy and that he was not able to physically be there. I have never had a doctor treat me that way. He is an amazing person. Going through my journey has been tough but he has renewed my faith in doctors again. We set up an appointment for the end of March to talk about what I wanted to do going forward. Well Covid came and all appointments that were not necessary were cancelled. I also lost my job and my insurance so I have yet to make another appointment with him.

My husband I have talked and want to wait to try again and honestly with everything going on in the world we kind of view it as a blessing we haven't brought a child into this crazy world yet. I will always want to have a little us though and will never give up hope. We are just going to stop trying for awhile and maybe after the new year I will met up Dr. F and see where to go from here. We want our rainbow someday but also are not opposed to adoption or fostering but we are not ready to start that process yet. Sorry this is so long and detailed but its my story and I want to share why I am so passionate about this cause. Most of my family has been kind and caring towards me but no one really knows what it's like unless you have personally be through it. It's lonely, you feel guilty for caring about someone that never even entered this world, you get depressed, you don't know what to think or feel anymore, and you just are never the same. I feel it has made me a stronger woman but I have my moments where I don't want to go on anymore. My emotions and hormones are always a mess. I don' think I will ever be the same or normal but I am happy with who I am and my story has helped me become the woman I am. I am at the point in my life I am only doing what is good for me and what makes me happy. I am over living for others and not putting myself first. I truly hope I get my rainbow baby someday but if not I want to help those that are going through what I have been through. People who have lost a baby are a tough breed and we need to help each other through it.

Thank you for reading and getting to know my story. Please let me know if there is ANYTHING I can help you with. Even if it's just listening to your story!! Stay positive and lets hope we all get our rainbow babies someday!

Melanie